Asthma

Today I thought I'd give you a Review of Asthma…

So the debate raging on Asthma has been pretty one sided so far. In the interests of balance I would like to present a review that argues for both the merits and the problems posed when coming to terms with Asthma. I am an Asthma sufferer. It’s always been pretty mild: I am not dead, for instance, but it has certainly been a noticeable influence in my life. With the changing of the seasons; what better time to review Asthma and how it’s been going for me.

Let’s be honest: asthma has got me out of some pretty tight corners. I don’t think I ever finished a cross country course, for instance. I just feigned multiple asthma attacks every year. And maybe once I conveniently sprained my ankle. It’s also been quite a good excuse for getting away from Incredibly Boring People. I just say ‘I am so sorry, but I appear to be having an asthma attack’ and because most people don’t know the symptoms they nod worriedly and wish me luck. In terms of how asthma has helped my life positively it scores a lot higher than one might expect. Here are some of the wonderful benefits asthma has brought me …

Smoking: If someone offers me a cigarette these days I smile sadly and say “Asthma.” This implies that if it weren’t for your condition you would DEFINITELY be cool enough to smoke. You’d be smoking like a chimney. But sadly, you can’t. Although I have read dubious scientific studies that smoking IMPROVES Asthma. I’m not quite sure how. Normally when they say ‘improved’ it had less sugar or a new logo. So if you are a smoker with asthma you are totally hitting up asthma that is better for you and looks a little fresher.

Things that make you interesting: Most of us aren’t born very interesting. And some of us stay that way. You are automatically slightly more interesting if you are a woman, a homosexual or a minority but that’s not enough to keep you interesting… you have to have interesting experiences or else people are going to realise you might be gay but despite this you are still incredibly boring. Asthma is quite a good way of being interesting. You don’t have to have something relatively awful happen to you: like being arrested or becoming a Republican. You don’t have to suffer from anything genuinely scary or problematic. On the whole Asthma adds another dimension to you without being too intrusive and with the benefit of being very treatable.

It gives you an awesome stereotype to either conform to or negate: Most people have to fight for their stereotype. It might take them until they are 12, or even 15 before anyone has bothered to put them in a box. Asthmatics are born in a box and this gives us the comfortable option of staying there or, if we chose, proving people wrong. In my experience you get people like me: I’m asthmatic and for much of my life this was a brilliant excuse to be fat and never exercise and people enjoy that. Or you get people like Toby and Harry who were very athletic and it always surprised people that they suffered from Asthma because they didn’t let it hold them back. Basically it gives you a forum on which to be judged by your fellow peers and, like most stereotypes: you can’t choose that that’s how they’ve defined you BUT UNLIKE most stereotypes you also know that it’s true. I’ve known very straight people who for most of their lives were labelled as gay (okay, so the people I’m thinking of HAVE actually all come out as gay now but that’s not my point) without the option and without any evidence to back it up. Some young kids have also picked up the nasty habit of yelling ‘Baldy’ at various people who, being their peers and about 5 years old, aren’t actually bald. They too, have been stereotyped without evidence.

There are, of course, a few downsides to asthma. It’s not always the excuse and point of discussion that you expect it to be. Here’s my list of the unfortunate consequences of having asthma…

It’s fucking annoying: People who have to take the pill will sympathise. It’s very easy to forget something you really need and it’s always VERY annoying when you do. But I don’t know anyone who remembers their inhaler always. And asthma just sometimes comes out to play at random times and it’s really boring. You just have to stop and be slightly anti social for a second, and no one quite gets that so they think you’re rude or depressed.

If you forget your inhaler; you are going to die: The first time I remember being really annoyed with this occurred in the days when I used to play netball. I would forget my inhaler maybe one in six games? And one day we were running late and I remember getting out of the car, breathing in the cool winter air and just knowing. I felt my chest tighten and within minutes I was gasping for air. So I walked across to the St Johns to ask if they had an inhaler I could have a puff of. But NO. They needed a prescription. This is something I have NEVER understood. I CAN’T BREATHE. PEOPLE WHO CAN’T BREATHE EVENTUALLY DIE. I don’t know what illegal drugs Ventolin is used for but if I am a 12 year old girl who can’t breathe I can’t comprehend why you can’t give me the medicine, for goodness sake. It’s so frustrating: you know ONE PUFF would fix it but alas, no. That one puff is denied. This has happened to my dad as well; he went to A and E one night when I was so bad I couldn’t leave the house and was told even if I came in the best they could do was give me a prescription.

“FINE.” He said. “I’LL COME BACK WHEN SHE’S DEAD.” On that occasion I didn’t die fortunately, but in many ways being a martyr so they’d FINALLY REVIEW the process seems like a small price to pay. Are you reading this, Ministry of Health? Tony Ryall do you give a shit? Let us live! I don’t understand!

People don’t really get it. Ever: A few times in my life stick out to me when I think of living with asthma. I remember telling my friend Myrah I had mild asthma going on at the time and she nodded. A while later she asked me if I heard a cat yowling. I was like. Dude, that’s my asthma. It’s like the death rattle of Hades himself. People think, because of the people who suffer from asthma on television that we get it through unfitness, or are unfit as a result. They think we can get it through working ourselves up verbally- which is just plain silly given the number of asthmatics who are debaters. They also think we just breathe heavily; comically moving our body up and down. In my experience it’s more like when babies sleep and they make the most gruesome noises and you’re sure they’re on the steps of hell. You sit there; deathly still apart from your chest which moves irregularly with screams of the long dead coming from your throat. It’s pretty horrible and not that funny. When I was in Nepal tramping, I had the worst attack of my life and as I was lying on my back trying to breathe like a human being (my inhaler was only doing so much because of the cold) the teacher who had so kindly elected to stay with me told concerned passers by I was just sleepy. You cannot know how insulted I was. I didn’t choose the attack and certainly wasn’t intentionally holding up the group (in fact the group had moved on, as you’d expect). And Ms Miles was treating it like a sprained ankle- ‘Let’s do a little more, shall we? Come one, set a goal!’ Which I get if it were a five year old deciding they’d had enough of cross country. But I was 17 at the time: I actually understand asthma now, having suffered from it my whole life and ‘doing a little more’ is DEFINITELY THE WRONG THING TO DO. This is another time I would have died for the cause, but unfortunately my methods worked and eventually I was able to breathe again with ease.

Argh. Asthma.  If I had another chance I think I would stick with it. The annoyance has been character building and I’m not going to deny the convenience. It hasn’t killed me yet, and hopefully when it does it will be in a lets-review-the-way-we-treat-ventolin-and-flixotide martyrize-ing way.