Study tip 1. (One day someone will make up a really good pun for Monday study tips)

My study tip today is based around my mathematical theorem which has been depicted in the below graph.

This is how that graph works…

Happiness is a state where you don’t overthink things and you do yoga and eat well and sing happy songs as you make your coffee in the morning in the manner of Sean Lock; a comedian who I largely admire for reminding me of my father who I’ve caught singing ‘I’m the best, I’m the best In the WHOLE WIDE WORLD… Who’s the best? I’M the best! In the Whole Wide World!’ many a time. Happiness is good. You want to stay here… but inevitably your pure HUMANITY kicks in and you start to stress…

Which is the start of your problems. OH NO. Being happy has lulled you into a false set of security! And now you’re challenging the very fibre of that happiness! And the minute that happens you’re in dire straits. The minute you start questioning the reality of your happiness you’ve lost it. And the assignments start piling up, and you have to miss a coffee date or two and the work never seems to end.

And then something really bad happens. The sadness kicks in (you may see in my original diagram I had ‘depression’ but sadness is more accurate*) and everything that worried you before is a lot worse now. It consumes you and makes your life miserable for you and barely tolerable for everyone else; especially your friends who LOVE you but would rather talk about their own insignificant problems.

Upliftingly, however, being sad is incredibly boring and you soon find the determination to kick yourself back into action and begin the journey upwards.

Of course: as a result nothing is ever achieved because the cycle means everything good you’ve done is eventually destroyed. BUT HERE IS HOW TO COPE WITH THAT REALITY.

So this is study tip day, not analyse what’s going wrong with your life day so here are my colour coded Study tips for how to best manage each bit of the cycle. (It's not as accurate as I'd hoped. I'd say a wee bit more happiness and a wee bit less determination and sadness. Of course; everyone's different. BUT THE CYCLE IS THE SAME.)

So when you're happy:

• DON'T BECOME COMPLACENT. You are at your strongest and weakest here. 

• Let's say you aim for half an hour a day of three subjects study wise. This could be done on a bus; or in tumblr or television breaks. I would even count thinking about it while running on the treadmill and jotting down your thoughts afterwards. Just half an hour. Three subjects. 

• To prolong your happiness I would drink coffee or Earl Grey tea taken however you fancy. If anywhere around you does it I would also recommend Monks Blend with soy milk. Basically: comforting drinks with no regrets attached. 

• In study breaks listen to JAZZ. Honestly, the more JAZZ you listen to, the happier you are. You will be happiest listening to these kind of, not particularly original but I challenge you not to dance tracks. (If you aren't a fan of JAZZ then firstly, you are leading a slightly less joyous life than I and secondly, fine. Go listen to Revolver.) 

• Be vigilant in getting your alone time: at least 20 mins a day. You could do yoga, or masturbate, or smoke a joint, or anxiously cross things off your to do list. I think a healthy mixture of activities just so as you are familiar with yourself and you know what you want to do. it's whenever I've been persuaded by GODDAMN OTHER PEOPLE that I've done regrettable things. 

• Sleep. Sleep early. Wake early. Whatever early is for you: at the point where it's  little bit difficult to get up but you feel virtuous for doing so. This might be 5.00, or 6.30, or 10.00, or 1 in the afternoon... or any other time. You know yourself better. Trust me. The virtuosity keeps stress at bay for much longer and you have more time to study. 

STRESSED

• Okay. You've got that tight feeling in your chest. Sit up. Stop thinking. WRITE A TO DO LIST. SERIOUSLY, I DON'T CARE IT IT'S ONE IN THE MORNING. DO IT. Does that feel slightly better? If not then I fear you may have Actual Real Problems* which I cannot solve with study tips. 

• It's all about the list; if you're stressed. Refer to it, add to it, cross off from it. It will give you a sense of control. But what you must remember is nothing is ever going to work unless you WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING. This may sound counter intuitive- like it's 10 am and you've got the list. You could get started right away. But the importance of waiting until the (next) morning should not be undermined. You need to sleep. You need to relax. You know the tasks ahead and probably they are achievable so just relax... as long as you actually DO the list, you don't just throw it away, then there is everything to be gained from waiting until you are in a better head space.

• If you are stressed I would not aim for more study time per day. In fact I would aim for less. Maybe 20mins per subject. If you have high aims you are more likely to not do anything at all than if you have low aims. At least start: If you start then you may finish. As I have said: refer to the list and plan your study accordingly. 

• Stop with the JAZZ. It'll drive you crazy now. What you need is Grrrl Power. Or possibly just Rusko. Go dance. Now. 

•  Limit your coffee to 1 or 2 cups. Coffee is for the happy not the stressed.  Drink these types of tea: Camomille, Peppermint, Green Tea (lemon slices or juice will make you feel alive), anything with rosemary or rose petals in it, Lavander and/or Jasmine Tea. Replace sugar with honey or cinnamon. Then, when you are feeling more relaxed and are either beating the cycle and feeling happy or sliding on your way to being sad drink Lemongrass, Ginger, Lemon, Mulled Wine and whiskey. Don't mix those though. I once had tea with whiskey because I was very cold and it didn't taste as nice as it I'd convinced myself it would. 

SAD

• As bad as it sounds: I always think being depressed is peak study time. Aim for 30 or even 40 minutes a day. This is because it will take you OUT of your self pitying and you can focus entirely on conjugating verbs or whatever you do. Get the most boring, least creative work OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM so you don't have to THINK about your PATHETIC LITTLE LIFE.

• Don't drink coffee. Do you really want to be more on edge or think any more than you actually are? Do yourself a favour and just drink Green tea with passionfruit and lemon in it. Make sure you're getting 5 or 8 glasses of water a day. Basically pick a number and roll with it. The mundane task of it remembering will help you settle into a routine where you don't have to think about how shit everything is all the time. 

• Exercise. Exercise gives you endorphin's. endorphin's make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands. 

• But do exercise. Start for a minute a day- then increase it when you're ready to. Reward yourself with chocolate. It's okay. You're sad. You deserve it. 

• Listen to calming music and light candles. Cry your eyes out. Go on. (Ignore the Rach 3- you'll just get tired.)

DETERMINED

• Drink coffee and black tea again! And all the lemongrassy, fiery rooibosy teas. Your soul needs warming!

• Exercise. Really step it up. Try 10 mins a day! (I know that sounds silly but you get the idea. Start at what seems ridiculously easy for you- be that 1 minute or 30 whwne you're depressed and push that by 2 seconds to 5 minutes each day, or whatever, as you become more determined to be happy.)

• The problem with determination is that you don't want to peter out. To do lists aren't as helpful but Goal lists are. Keep these around you to motivate you. Even if they're just pictures. Whatever helps you. 

• Cut back on studying because you'll probably have something else you want to do and it is better to do a little study than no study. I'd aim for 15-30 minutes a day for three subjects. 

• Listen to what makes you happy. What makes you inspired. I'd go for a mix of Leonard Cohen and The Supremes, but there's me. 

• Take the time out to do something selfish- go to a movie, or finally watch The Young Ones... anything that will remind you of your goals and aspirations. 

• ACT ON THOSE ASPIRATIONS. something amazing might happen.*

So. That's it. How to best get through The Cycle. Next week I'm going to give you: 

I've mastered the Cycle but I'm still missing deadlines... WHY CAN'T I GET MY WORK IN ON TIME?

*I don't want to marginalize anyone who does suffer from Real Proper Depression. We all get very sad sometimes and that's what I mean here. Just sadness. 

*Actual Real Problems are things I'm not equipped to deal with. if your To Do List doesn't even lift your spirits a little bit then I'm worried they might be Actual Real Problems for like, a counselor. Because To Do Lists are usually very potent. 

*And here, I would like to give many many thanks to Robert Shearman for his absolutely kind and delightful comment he left, and the follow on twitter. It's wonderful to see that someone actually successful would take the time out of their day to encourage me, or anyone else. It makes me feels as though I have placed my admiration on the right person. Thanks so much, it really made my day. 

xx Minnie